I had the opportunity to go to the last day of the Passion conference in Atlanta on Thursday.  It was very nostalgic and brought back fond memories of past Passion conferences.  Especially Passion 2008, it was the encounter I had with the Lord in the Gwinnett Center that got me on the track that eventually led me to go on the World Race.  This Thursday was refreshing because in the Georgia Dome, God showed up and spoke to me more clearly than He had in weeks.

My mind began going to the past month, and how I had slowly degraded from being at peace with my transition to North Carolina and being at a place of trust where I didn't need all the answers.  To allowing my mind to plot, scheme and expect things out of my move that God never promised.  I had come into a place of anxiety and fear.  And in that realization God said,

“Your first responsibility is to let me love you.”

And the word of God did its thing.  It cut me, through my bone and marrow to my heart.  I stopped singing and stood there in a daze.

It makes sense.  We live our lives in response to a God that initiates everything with us. 

•          We love because He first loved us.

•          We're able to be generous because he was first generous with us.

•          We repent because we were forgiven before we even knew we sinned.

•          We comfort others with the comfort that's been given to us.

I could go on…

But why is it so hard to simply receive God's love?  I've spent some time processing this question.  And I want to share what I've found.  Because I'm pretty sure I might share some of the same struggles with some of you.

1.       I'm not at rest.

Have you ever seen two lovers in each others arms, being affectionate with each other, and one of them is stressed out?  Or a father, cuddling with his daughter, but she's so afraid that she's not even paying attention.  Maybe you have.  My point isn't that it doesn't happen my point is that it doesn't belong.  Stress and anxiety cause us to toil, and fear causes us to be in control of everything.  And none of those things allows us to rest.  And in my experience, we can only receive love when we're at a place of rest.

2.       I don't think I deserve it.

If I'm honest, the more I understand grace the less I like it.  Mostly because I hate the idea that I'm treated better then I deserve. In Danny Silk's book “Loving our Kids on Purpose” he talks about being a representation of God by being a safe place for your kids to fail.  He says the goal is when your child screws up or makes a mistake they should be able to say, “I want to get in your lap when I have sinned, because they are the safest place I have on earth.  There is no one who has demonstrated love like you have to me.”  As soon as I read that I realized that I don't do that.  And my immediate first question was, “Why don't I find God to be a safe place?”  Because there are definite times when I don't feel loved by God because I feel like I don't deserve love by God.

3.       God's character doesn't reflect love.

AW Tozer wrote in ‘The Knowledge of the Holy', “The low view of God entertained almost universally among Christians is the cause of a hundred lesser evils everywhere among us.”

In my last point I came to the conclusion that I didn't feel that God was a safe place.  In part because I didn't feel like I deserved love, also in part because my view of God is not of a loving father at times.  Mostly because I have taken things I've seen to be true in the world and reflected them on God…big mistake.  But also because I take what makes sense to me, like how I need to earn love, and force my view of God to fit into that.

So what am I doing about it?  Well so far, I'm waking up and thanking God for loving me.  I lay there and take stock of the proof in my life that God loves me.  Gratitude helps when you're trying to accept love.  What about you?  Do you have anything to add to my list that I didn't think of?  I'd like to hear it.

“I've been searching for words for awhile now for this blog.  And really the best way to describe my emotions right now is bittersweet.  You know what it means to be bittersweet, to feel sad or melancholy but underneath that is a glimmer of excitement or happiness.  That's me.”

This is from one of my blogs posted on 12/21/2008, a few weeks before I left for the World Race.  I started reading back because, once again, change is coming to my life.  For me, that may not be saying a lot.  After all, the last three years of my life have been nothing but transition after transition.  But this transition feels more similar to that huge step I took 3 years, that took me on this grand adventure and less familiar to every other transition that's taken place since then.

You see, at the end of January I'm going to be packing up my stuff and moving back to North Carolina.  Specifically to Greensboro, where God has graciously provided a place to live with a great friend and a job to help make ends meet.  I have some leads on what God has for me there but I don't feel released to truly pursue any of them, or even to look for another job until I actually get up there.

I'm excited to bring what has been given to me, to my home in North Carolina.  To truly return home as Tim the man and not Timmy the son, and to return in faith and hope that God is moving in great ways.  But returning in faith is difficult.  I can't see that God will take care of all my needs.  I can't see that God is going to move through me.  But that is the internal struggle that makes faith worthwhile and valuable. 

And I'm going to miss my family in Georgia.  I'm thankful that for the first 19 years of my life, loneliness was a common feeling for me, but 3 years ago I moved and haven't stopped and God has made sure that I haven't been lonely since.    I have brothers and sisters and moms and dads here, that will always make wherever they are home to me. 

So this next season may be hard and it may not look like what I expect, but I know what God has promised me.  He has promised me that it will be filled with wonder and adventure, humility and brokenness.  Because that's the same promise He made me 3 years ago, and a wise man once told me that God's last word is His current one until He speaks again.

The Confession

I remember Michael Hindes once said something along the lines of “I don't know why people are surprised when life gets messy. Dogs poop, alive things make a mess...life gets messy.” Well in the weeks leading up to this past weekend, life got messy. So when I got the offer to house sit for my boss over Labor Day weekend, I jumped at the chance. And in light of how things had been going I felt the best use of my time would be to spend that weekend in isolation with God.

As I emerged out of the weekend and started making contact with people, their big question was “What big revelations did God speak to you?” And my response was always, “Well, I had lost my peace but I got it back.” At first I didn't see the value in that response and felt a little disappointed that I hadn't come back like Moses off the mountain all shining from God's presence.

The Revelation

But then I remembered what I had read in 2 Kings chapter 3 during my weekend of solitude. In this chapter the kings of Israel and Edom decide to go to war with Moab and invite King Jehoshaphat, of Judah, to join them. On their way out Jehoshaphat suggests that they go to a prophet and get a word from the Lord before they go to battle, so they stop in and see Elisha. Now like most kings of Israel and Edom, in 1^st and 2^nd Kings, these two were evil and Elisha made it pretty obvious that he didn't like these two at all,

“...were it not that I have regard for Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, I would neither look at you nor see you...”.

But nonetheless they're kings and they've come to him as a prophet of the Lord looking for a word. So he calls for a musician to come and it's not until the musician begins playing that the hand of the Lord comes on Elisha and he can discern what God is saying.

When I read that, I remembered what a wise man once said to me.

“Peace is the potting soil of revelation.”

And that's when I realized, that in those previous couple of weeks, I hadn't heard God's voice or felt His presence that whole time. Because when our spirits are in turmoil then there's no way we can quiet ourselves enough to hear the whisper of God. That's why Elisha called for the musician, he knew he couldn't hear God's voice while his head was shouting obscenities at the evil kings sitting in front of him wanting God's blessing.

The Challenge

I was reminded last weekend that Elisha's challenge is also my own. If I subscribe to the belief that God still talks today, and at any given moment might have something to say to me, then how am I going to react when a roomful of people need peace? Am I going to be able to quiet myself to find the peace that lies underneath? What about when I'm face to face with someone who is in the midst of brokenness and sorrow. Will I be able to step outside of my own brokenness long enough to hear the words that God might be giving me for that person? That is the challenge and the responsibility any son or daughter of God has the honor of bearing.

So maybe I should start carrying my Ipod around with me. Because I'm sure if Elisha was around today, he'd keep one in his pocket.

“...as he(Jesus) is so also are we in this world.”

1 John 4:17b, paranthesis added by me

For most of my life I lived through a cycle. That cycle would be...life is going well, things are working in my favor....and then a few weeks go by and I'm gripped in fear because things are going TOO well. Something must be right over the hill because things can't go too well for too long. I started following Jesus and THAT cycle looked like...Jesus and I are having great time together, I miss one day, I miss two days and then WHAP! I get a speeding ticket, or I catch a cold. God must be putting me back in line for not spending time with him.

That was my perception of who God was. And that perception was my reality. Now since then, I've been corrected a little in my perception of God and have been freed from a lot of that fear and religion. But I tell that story to give you a visual that our perception of God dictates our identity, behavior and beliefs and there are usually gaps between our perception and the truth.

And that's what started happening to me.  I began to notice those gaps and had to make a choice.  Would I choose to continue to picture God as the punisher with His rod?  Or would I choose to believe in the God of the Bible, who's "kindness leads us to repentance."  I wanted to believe in a kind God, but to do so forced me to answer some serious questions.  Why was I afraid of blessing?  Why didn't I feel like I deserved good gifts?  And this time I couldn't use God as a cop-out.

If you read all of 1 John chapter 4, Paul explains in detail that God is love. And that God proved His love through the sacrifice His son made for us on the cross. And if we truly knew God then we would love each other. Because our perception of who God is determines who we are, whether its true or not.

But how do you break out of your own wrong perception of God? I wish I knew. In the place where I'm at in my journey, the most beneficial things for me have simply been the awareness that my perception of God could be skewed. That leaves me open to correction from the Holy Spirit. On top of that is also having a relationship with God and hearing His voice. How better to get to know someone then to spend time with them. Alright I'm starting to sound cliché. But before I go, let me end on a question. What do you tend to focus on? Who you are and what you do for God? Or who God is and what He's done for you?

Little boys grow up watching movies and reading books about men who live epic lives. The stories of these men articulate the desires in all little boys hearts for adventure, battle and conquest. And as most of you know, little boys grow into men. And either those desires die, or those godly desires are corrupted into recklessness, immaturity and laziness.

I'm sorry, there's a third option there.

Or God redeems those desires and takes you on a pilgrimage. The last two years for me have been exactly that. I've had a grand adventure and seen countries and lands I never thought possible. I've climbed mountains and waterfalls, killed my own dinner, swam through a river cave and had a machete pulled on me.

Then my adventure turned into a quest when I accepted responsibility for the things I saw in these places. Thirteen year old girls shouldn't have to service 8 men in a day just to eat, little boys shouldn't have to go begging with their baby sister in the streets. A syringe shouldn't be a mans only solice. Women shouldn't have to walk 5 miles one way just to get arguably clean water for the day.

And those were just the people I met along the way.

The people who traveled along side me had their own internal battles, as did I. Would I be a man of reproof and honor so that my brothers and sisters would have a safe place to land? Would I be a safe place in an unsafe world? Would I love my brothers and sisters through their mess even when I wasn't completely sure they would love me through mine?

And then I came home and rested...and rested...and rested.

Now I am living in Gainesville and working for AIM. I live in a phenominal and loving community, and have a very rewarding job. But all this rest is making me restless. Regardless that I am still playing a role in mobilizing a generation to bring kingdom to the world, I'm ready for the next challenge. I want another adventure with battles and difficulty.

But for now, God says no.

But if I'm not an adventurer, or a warrior or a peacemaker then who am I?

I am all of those things, and none of those things. I am a Son of God, a royal prince in His court, an adopted heir to the throne. That is why I take responsibility for the injustice in front of me, and the same reason why I can sit in peace when there is no battle to fight. But what does that look like? Yeah, I pray for my squad still out on the field, and I pray for things that God puts on my heart, but honestly my time with Him looks a lot like sitting in my hammock in awkward silence.

And Dad couldn't be prouder.

Sometimes He talks over me my identity and how much He loves me and how proud of me He is. I like those times. But a lot of times its quiet. But I sit there because I know that God is sitting there too, and He won't get up until I get up.

So now I live in this divine tension. Where I am content with being a son and nothing else, but my desire is for more. More authority, more influence, more light, more love...

And I believe that my Dad wants all those things for me...and for the world. But a man who knows himself as a warrior and nothing else, is all he will ever know of himself. But a man who knows himself as a Son to the God of All Things will know himself as...all things.

I was sitting in my apartment Sunday night with my roommates watching TV when the news report came on, triumphantly announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden. We all knew we were watching history and we all knew that it was probably a good thing that this terrorist cell leader was dead so that he couldn't hurt anyone else. But for the last few days I've been processing how I've felt on a personal level at the death of a man that changed our country forever.

In the midst of these thoughts and questions I was reminded of Ephesians 6:12:

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

I love this passage because during my time on the World Race it really helped me through some of the hard things I had to see. With all the hardship I was exposed to, this passage helped me in my search for what “the problem” is with this world.

The truth is we are the ones that bring the kingdom of hell onto earth with the things that we choose to say and the things that we choose to do...and even the things we choose not to say and choose not to do. And God never justifies that, that's why Christ had to die. But he also never saw us as "the problem", that's also why Christ chose to die.

Ephesians 6:12 tells us that our true foe is not physical but spiritual, which can be very confusing. But everything in the spiritual shows itself in the natural. Kill the embodiment of evil and evil will find another body. I support our governments decision, but we need to take stock of our “victory”. Is this really a victory? Or are we fighting the wrong battle?

“…usually God disciples us by making our self-constructed world fall apart.  Our personal salvation project must show itself to be almost totally wrong.   The refusal to allow this falling apart is what creates legalism and religion.”  - Richard Rohr

How often do we consider the possibility that one of the biggest things holding us back in our walk with Christ is what we think we know?  Jesus continues to teach us, that in order to gain true life we have to hold onto the life we know in this world loosely.  There are a lot of things that can be difficult to let go of, such as possessions and relationships.  But I've found that the most difficult things to let go of are the things unseen.

In Joshua chapter 3 the Israelites are finally about to cross the Jordan River after 40 years of wandering in the desert.  During that time, an entire generation has died and a new generation has risen up knowing only the landscape and people of the desert.  As the time drew near for them to begin their conquest of the promise land, the officers came through the camp and gave them a series of commands.  At the end, they briefly explained the purpose of the commands with simply “…for you have not passed this way before.”

It would have been foolish for the Israelites to compare the land that they were going into, with the desert that they knew so well.  But we do that so often.  We get raised in an abusive house and assume that God is that kind of Father.  We are forced to submit to corrupt authority and assume that all authority in the Kingdom is like that.  We live in a culture where entire mindsets and norms go unquestioned about whether they are appropriate for the Kingdom of God.

Maybe as disciples of Jesus we should stop looking for the right answers and start looking for the right questions?  Maybe as the followers of Christ, our biggest entitlement to surrender is our “right to be right”?  When are we going to realize that the greater value is not in the destination but the journey? 

Jesus tells the story of a man who finds a treasure in a field. He then goes, in his joy, and sells all that he has and buys the field. Unlike this man, something I have discovered about myself is that I am easily distracted. I can be having a conversation with someone in a coffee shop but when someone walks in the door my eyes are going there. My attention will always go to whatever is the loudest, brightest, most attractive or the most in my face. But just because those things have drawn my attention does not mean that they are of great worth.

Several things come to mind that have distracted me to the degree that I have placed my own worth or value in them. Such as possessions, money, vanity, position/entitlement and popularity. But when we take a step back and look at the big picture, none of those things will stand up to the fires of eternity. When, in actuality, the treasure of true value is buried in the midst of this world. And the ability to see it is a gift of God. When His Spirit gives us the eyes to see the subtle permanent in the midst of the flashy temporal that is when the world will begin to look backwards.

Where the world see's wealth the Spirit see's poverty of the heart. Where people trade fame and appearance for their soul and the true cravings of the heart. Where the world see's chaos and destruction the Spirit see's a sovereign God who see's much higher and wiser then we could think possible and is working all things to the good of those who love Him. Where the world see's death and decay the Spirit see's labor contractions, getting closer and closer together leading to a new birth.

These past few years, leading up to me going on the World Race, I have been chasing after this hidden treasure in the field. God has been walking me away from the things of this world to pursue the things of the Spirit, and it's been a decision I have never regretted. This new season of my life, I have come on staff at Adventures in Missions to work in their IT dept. The pursuit still has not changed.

Please continue to pray for me as I pursue the fruits the Spirit, the wisdom of God and intimacy with Him. My role looks very different then in the past, but I am still functioning as a member of the body of Christ to expand the Kingdom. So if you would like to support me you can do so here:

https://www.adventures.org/give/donate.asp?giveto=worldrace&desc=For%20Tim%20Dixon&tuid=6613843

You're money will go towards things like food, rent and gas. Also I have the opportunity to fly out and see my squad twice while they are still on the field to check in with them so your support will go towards that as well. Thank you so much to everyone who supports me in my pursuit, I appreciate you probably more then you know.